Character Development

This summer, in the fair month of Banskonian July (as I am writing this, I am literally using the voice of Thomas Shelby in my head, contrived, far-fetched but so goddam’ hot), I went to a writing workshop to turn my insanity into sanity. I told the moderator (Ukrainian lady with 5 books published under her belt) that I am a freestyle writer, that I just like to freestyle..you know. 

She looked at me with a poignant internal mix of compassion, harsh judgement and disdain. 

“You freestyle?!..” 

“Yea, I just write in a playful, sarcastic style. It’s like therapy for my mind, like brushing the teeth of my subconscious mind”

“I see..Well, would you be open to trying a different style today? We are doing a character development exercise. You need to describe a character in a transparent way, to build it as it’s seen from the outside, “show, don’t tell”, you know? You also need conflict, antagonist and protagonist.

“Oh..Frankly I’ve never done that but I can give it a try.” 

And I did. One hour later I was sooo done: 9 lines of text squeezed out of an earthquakey brainstorming that only led to the same frickin’ style I usually write in.. Here it is:

1, 2, 1, 2 – work it, work it baby, own it – as I am walking uphill, I think about this line from Pretty Woman, with Julia Roberts flexing her glutes for some cash flow.

It’s the iconic kiss my ass type of walking flaunted by lions in the savannah – 1, 2, 1, 2 – raise your left butt cheek, then raise your right butt cheek, watch my lethargy, I’m hungry. 

I bet Sysiphus is sporting the exact same walking as he is pushing his stone up the mountain – 1, 2, 1, 2 –  “Yo, Zeus, this workout is sculpting my beautiful ass, bro. Bite me!” 

I am doing it as well, but just to beat hip arthritis. 

Pretty Woman nailed her Prince Charming with her butt workout. Me, on the other hand, I just don’t want to nail an artificial hip. We’re just two different types of goal diggers.

Amazing! I am seemingly the protagonist and, knowing myself, I am gonna soon be the antagonist as well. Wtf, let’s keep it simple and eco friendly with a bit of character economy. It’s 2 in 1, that means 1 beef eater less for the environment, a few cow farts less to ruin the ozone layer – let’s make the world a better place. 

I don’t understand dramatic realism, the extensive puppetry of drama and clashing of will powers. I don’t fundamentally get it. So much noise..So much patience needed to build and deploy, so much planning and logic and consistency..

Instead I 100% get it when Samuel Becket takes 2 characters and makes them wait forever for a guy that never shows up.. No plot, no drama, no logic..but it makes so much sense! That’s it, when it doesn’t make sense, it finally makes sense. The entire absurdity of life, brilliantly essentialized in 2 linear waiting characters, more simple than Tom and Jerry. 

And yet, I can’t help not noticing that, in those 9 lines I have excreted, I am practically blowing up my entire absurdist vision of life. I subconsciously found a purpose in the mythical nonsensical punishment of Sisyphus pushing that rock uphill: it’s fitness. 

No matter how much nihilism is pumping through your veins, if you don’t roll that boulder up the mountain, the lack of fitness will eventually bite you in the ass.