Bansko Nomad Fest – Daily Reporting – The Naked Truth Covered In Bling Blings

Nomad Fest – Day 0 – Charitable Reporting 

 

Note: This is a humanitarian reporting from Bansko Nomad Fest for my friend J who could not afford to buy a ticket because he has to save all his pennies to purchase the Burj Al Arab building in Dubai 🙂

 

Day 0 (The D Day )- Barbecue in the Coworking garden

 

The whole place looked like a bomb shelter. An open air bomb shelter designed by some high school drop out turned into a YOLO facilitator for people on life support machines. 

 

When I got there the shelling had already happened. A ton of plastic boxes which had once sheltered sexy chicken thighs and a few toes were now lying around, bloody and gaping. 

 

A black dog was throwing a rave party on top of the blood dripping plastic pile.  

A white dog was standing on the side, watching the whole scene and whispering to himself: Really nigga?

 

I talked to two Sam’s who had recently left their full time job as wax exhibits at Madame Tussaud’s to embrace the nomad lifestyle and send postcards back to their mum. 

 

The stinky toilet around which you performed a Sherlock Holmes investigation 3 years ago was still there stinking the same. Which goes to show that some things do indeed stand the test of time. And air.  

 

I left without saying bye bye. 

 

Nomad Fest – Day 1 – The Big Opening Night on Sunday

 

I left home late because eating and breathing proved to be yet again some much more time consuming operations than I could estimate. 

 

I was thinking to compensate being late by making a glamorous entrance: 

wearing nothing but an eyeliner and a purple scarf. 

 

But the universe had other plans. It started to rain. Light summer rain with a gay rainbow grinning above my Four Leaf Clover apartment. Which, astronomically speaking, was like a black hole of optimism popping up, trying to suck the sadness out of you and replace it with joy. An immense celestial dialysis machine which made my happiness levels shoot from 0.5 to maybe 2. 

 

So I said fuck it!, grabbed my trashy fuchsia hoodie and let my eyeliner melt under the rain drops for a unique panda bear look. I’ll just pretend it’s Halloween. Because, hey, you just need to believe, right?

 

The Grand Opening event had taken over the entire city square and a few gate keepers made sure you were you and sealed the deal of you staying yourself for the next 7 days with a bracelet and a name tag. 

 

Had I embarked on some con artist career, last evening would have totally ruined it for me. Because standing right in the middle of the gate keepers’ line, staring at me, there was a girl who had met me 12 years before.

 

It took me a while to bring back memories but then my eyes fell on her name tag and I screamed: I know who you are!! My face lit up with joy and my happiness levels must have shot up to even 2.1. 

 

“Yes, I remember, we were together on that summer camp in Italy, in Abruzzo. What a magic place! Eating watermelon for breakfast and sleeping in bungalows. And that permaculture guy who nicknamed me the eel.  I can’t believe I see you again! How are you?”

 

“I am good. Omg, you haven’t changed at all!”

 

Let me just stop and say: when a woman tells you that you haven’t changed in years, you are in trouble. You need to drop everything you are doing and rush to get some botox, some fillers, some something, some sort of help! Anything! Because her words can only translate to: you bitch, you are one step away from looking like poor Yorick. 

 

But maybe, just maybe, it’s not the case for Xristina. She used to be a yoga girl with a propension for harmony, inner peace and all that crap. She used to have an iconic hairstyle – an ice hockey helmet of hair, like a member of the Beatles on the pedestrian crossing of life –  and would say to me: Valentina, why do you need people to be happy? 

 

I wish I could say this touching moment was just the beginning of an emotionally heightened night. But, alas! The grass is greener on the outside. Once I was inside, it felt a bit like a Purgatory not followed by any redemption. 

 

So I felt stuck in Purgatory for one hour or two, trapped in conversations like: when did you arrive and how long do you stay and where do you go next? Pfff..Please God save me. 

 

And God, in her infinite mercy, gave me a hand: I was suddenly standing near the 2 tantra facilitators now so popular in Bansko. And I really felt like that time when I bumped into Jeremy Irons on the street, in Berlin. Except, this time, I acted like Jeremy Irons myself: I just turned my head away and pretended to be Bill Murray. 

 

 Day 2 – Monday 

 

Talks, talks, talks. Also called keynote speeches. Frankly, I’ve never known what that means. Is it the same with mostly flimflam ? Hm, something to look into..

 

Anyway, one keynote was about Real Estate investing as a digital nomad. 

 

It goes like this: you can hang out with your digital gypsies and sleep in tents guarded by tarantulas, but own a loft or two in Bermuda. You don’t even need to see the loft. You just need to believe it exists and it can make you money by owning it. In case you lose all your money there, it probably got lost in the Bermuda Triangle. But hey, you got to experience a little the biggest mystery of our time. If that’s not ROI, I don’t know what it is.

 

I am joking. 

 

But now seriously, if you had to apply this real estate business model to the snail population, how would you do it? Just curious. 

 

Ok, next!

 

Next? I am choking in this theater hall. I am off to the park. Tents, tents, tents. Finally all these nomads can call this place their home. A bespoke delivery of tarantulas will follow this evening for that exotic finishing touch. 

 

How shall I put this? I am low in iron after my period, my blood doesn’t carry enough oxygen to my brain and I feel special: I feel like I don’t belong and will never really belong to this nomadic community in particular and to humanity in general. I am just so fucking special, right? 

 

Right..Only nature is an oasis of peace and happiness. Look at this luscious greenery. 

But we all know nature pics without people in them are worthless. I am wearing my camouflage shirt, so here’s my chance to finally fit in. 

 

Evening:

 

I got there late, after the networking event had already started. Luckily Fedor the standup comedian was resting on the side and he updated me. He showed me a little card with questions he had to answer during the networking game:

 

• What is one thing you used to be afraid of and now it doesn’t?
• What is the most likable person you have ever met?
• Which job do you think is paid too low?

 

Hard questions! Let me use my joker and call a friend: Hi, mr. Bill Murray, it’s time you helped your lookalike. 

 

Day 3 – Tuesday 

 

A new day. What was on the talks schedule today? A, the guy with the Amazon business. Yeah, Amazon FBA – pfff – all those people selling overpriced Chinese junk. Wait, what? He made 7 figures?! Oh, now I am interested :)) He is actually a respectable entrepreneur with an arbitrage business, a smart guy :)) 

 

Ok, I’ll go. What time is it now? He speaks at 12:10. I have time. What? It’s already 12:05? 

 

Off I go. 

 

I am flashing through the city on my red bike. Life is good. Trying hard to finally be grateful. There is nothing like this feeling of freedom when you ride a bike. It is planting a powerful illusion in your mind: the sensation that you have a better grip on the world, that you have some sort of upside. You can use your limbs, you can speed up through the liquid layers of reality like an.. eel 😀 and leave a lot of the pain behind. 

 

Yes! I feel good. I am wearing a short jersey skirt, a turquoise top and light earrings swaying in the wind. 

 

And all the men around don’t seem to complain about it. They subconsciously greet me with dilated pupils and their faces light up in a little smile or just freeze in panic. 

 

It feels good. Another external validation test passed today. Like when you take your leased car for an annual technical revision and you get a piece of paper stamped with “Approved”. You know, it pumps some new life in your disheartened heart and gives you back the motivation to pay your monthly installments and keep going..to the supermarket every day. 

 

Except, I don’t like it. I like it, but I don’t like it. It’s flattering, but it’s not that flattering. It’s a trap. And I am fighting it. I know the danger of getting high on it and I use my brakes, my brain, my rational brain.

 

Did I just say brain? Oh, incidentally, the guy on the stage is also talking about brain. About scanning his brain? What? What the heck happened to the Amazon arbitrage guy? Oh, I am at the wrong stage.. Perfect! :)) 

 

This wrong guy, Chris Reynolds, has a righteous command of his stage presence. He looks like a Popeye the sailor who, instead of spinach, has drunk a barrel of entitlement. 

 

He takes up space, he unapologetically takes up our time to tell us about what he has discovered after scanning a few digital nomads’ brains..So everybody is all ears and one brain! Breathing the same, winking the same, dreaming the same dream of having a brain scan one day! 

 

But who’s this guy? He is someone who has built a whole business around asking questions about other businesses. He is a podcaster with more than 400 entrepreneur interviews on his track record. What can I say? Theoretically, inspiring. Practically..I remember trying to interview some people. Interesting people: a social entrepreneur, an alternative therapist. 

 

It was fucking boring for me. But well done, dude, really well done! You can’t get a better example for making money out of thin air. And I, of course, admire you and hate you at the same time! 🙂

 

Update: Omg, I’ve just talked to the guy. 

 

“Why did you decide to scan your brain?”

“Four years ago I was burnt out after a 4 year relationship. I scanned my brain, you could see the burn out, it was all blue”

“I thought it’s called being broken-hearted. Also, I heard skydiving is a better approach to mend your heart than scanning your brain.” 

 

His presence is calm and dull, he speaks slowly, in the same tone and is very serious: “This scanning thing is no joking matter, trust me, I’m a retired cyborg”.  

 

However, the fact that this guy is a millionaire and I am financially stuck, is the biggest slap in my face for today. There must be a way to focus and do what needs to be done. Some people struggle with alcoholism, drugs. I struggle with directing my own brain on the right pathway. 

 

Day 4 – Wednesday

 

I didn’t attend any talks. 

 

I just went to the Park in the evening to socialize a little. A happy girl, visibly strung out on..Bansko thermal water, had climbed on the bar counter and was yelling heavily at a karaoke mic. 

 

Overall, there was a reigning school-party atmosphere with people watching a movie, playing werewolf, playing Jeopardy. 

 

I joined a conversation about SEO with a Swedish guy called Richard..(Really? Is this a Swedish male name or some local margarine brand?) and an Italian guy called..differently. 

 

The Italian guy was a strange sight: he had an intelligent look in his sparkling eyes and didn’t look like a robot on a bootcamp for learning social skills. Amazing! We ended up making fun of the inspirational talks and their insane amount of fluff. Finally I could have a liberating laugh. Telling the truth is so liberating. Even if it might even be just your own distorted unproductive frustrated bias. Still liberating. You just need to breathe and feel at ease sometimes. 

 

Day 5 – Thursday 

 

It’s day 5 and I can finally say I am starting to feel part of this event more. I am starting to appreciate it finally. Hard warmup 😀  

 

I dropped my guard and the weapons of my judgemental bitchiness. I don’t feel so cut out from these people anymore. We are all in this together. 

 

Remember that mental experiment from the airport when I succeeded to feel genuine acceptance for all the people around me for 1 hour or 2? I am no better than any of you and you aren’t any better than me in a fundamental way. We are all trapped in here, trying to get by and no one will get out of this alive sooner or later, so..

 

However, I am wearing an orange bodycon dress. It is not really the right shade of orange, there is something off about it. But I managed to save it with the right orange earrings. It looks complete now. The set is on point. This is like frickin’ ikebana for clothes. It is true, we are all in this together and nobody will get out of here alive, but on Doom’s Day only some of us will have the chromatically correct outfits. Just saying..

 

Cinema Stage – first time I come here for a talk. 

 

There is this lady speaking. She literally looks 4 months pregnant. Chances are, she isn’t. Just a big pointed belly, decorated with a skew belt buckle, right at the tip. I’ve never seen something like this before. A real “Je m’en fiche” fashion statement: “Not only am I not hiding my pointed belly, I am showing it to you like a shark shows his dorsal fin.” (to be continued)