My 3 Best Worst Dates Ever: They Were So Bad It Felt So Good. Valentine’s Day Special

Wow, it’s already here, that celebration of the year that single people hate the most.

Are you single on Valentine’s Day? Then I feel you and I know you’ve been searching for escapes only to bump into that good old dilemma: poison or guillotine? I know, I’ve been there.

But hey, I’ve been in a relationship for a few years now.  And I think I finally start to understand what Valentine’s Day is all about.

It’s that big holy day which couples… fear the most and inevitably end up hating.

‘Cause, wtf, how many piles of heart-shaped pinky pillows and pinky peppy perky piglets, singing I love you like Frank Sinatra on helium, can you cram into a nutshell apartment which is not even yours?

“Darling, do you really want to be each other’s valentine? Then let’s stop buying this junk. And offer me a diamond ring instead 😛 A villa with a sea view. A Rolls-Royce. You know, those simple tiny things which prove that you don’t really need an official day to show your true feelings.”

I guess no matter from which camp you look at it, Valentine’s Day it’s always a whine-whine situation.

But not for me, honestly. I see it more as a great opportunity to be grateful. For the good exciting days in the past where I was always.. whining about my dating life.

In retrospect, now that they are gone, those were fun experiences. If that’s not twisted, I don’t know what it is.

So, let’s get to the point: here’s the 3 best worst dates I ever had in my life.

Date Number 1: The Twisted Robin Hood

His nickname was Kaspersky. We had been chatting for 3 weeks already on OkStupid. Oh, pardon me, OkCupid. By “chatting for 3 weeks” I mean we had roughly  exchanged 3 pairs of messages. Just because he would answer very late. He would usually send a few cryptic lines after 5-7 days.

I was intrigued, I was hooked. Who was this mysterious guy, this cybersecurity hero who was obviously very busy saving the planet, but still found a few moments to get back to me? I felt special. Flattered. Excited. I asked him out. 🙂

6 days later, he confirms the date. Wow! This feels like winning the lottery. Let’s do this!

I had suggested a super hip cafe in Barcelona where I had never been before. But all the reviews were saying it was “such a cool place”. A cool place for a cool date with a cool guy. It sounds purrrfect!

I got there on time. Which is something quite exceptional in my case. But, hey, exceptional gestures for exceptional situations.

Kaspersky arrived 30 min later..

The moment I laid my eyes on him I was struck by the strongest déjà vu sensation ever. Waaait! Where have I seen this guy before?!!

Ah, I know, here:

 

On the cover of this novel from my childhood. He looked exactly like Oliver Twist! The only missing thing was that small bundle tied to the stick. For the rest, IDENTICAL: the same shirt, the same raggy three quarter length trousers of questionable cleanliness.

15 min into our talk, I realized I was right. This guy really was a hero, but more like a modern Robin Hood hero with a ..twist: HE WAS STEALING ELECTRICITY. 

And instead of giving it to the poor, he was keeping it all to himself.

“You do what?!!”

“Yes, I don’t like to pay for electricity. Because it’s not fair. Do you know how much these big energy corporations are stealing from us? Do you know they overcharge us in their invoices with no shame? So I am practically stealing back from them what is actually mine.”

“All right..”

40 min in this casual conversation I noticed he didn’t have anything to drink or eat:

“Hey, did you already order anything?”

“No, I am not thirsty, I am good, I drank some water before leaving home.”

“I see..Great! No more dilemma’s about who pays the bill on the first day. Problem solved. Have a great life, Ollie. Bye!”

Date Number 2: An Encounter With John The Baptist

I had been in the glamorous city of Barcelona for almost a month exploring its historical streets but was still struggling to find my way around, despite having google maps. Every walk in the city was 90% staring in my phone to understand where I was going and 10% worrying about being run over by a car in the process.

One day I found a meetup event on NLP- neuro-linguistic-programming. The theme was “Learn how to mentally rewrite your past”. Omg! It sounds better than crack! The only problem: I still needed to write my present a little more and manage to physically get to the right address in order to mentally detox my past. Ok, I’ll take the subway, it looks easy.

I got on the subway platform and what looked crystal clear before started to get foggy again: is this the right stop? Whatever, I am going to ask somebody. In English, of course, because I only knew three words in Spanish.

“Excuse me, is this the direction to El Raval?

“Spanish please”

“Oh, shit. Ok, eso es la direccion..”

“Where are you from?!

“Romania!”

“Me too” :))

Pe bune?! Ce coincidenta! (Really, what a coincidence!)

Jackpot, the guy spoke my native language and also offered to show me the way. Apart from that, he was cute and kept smiling at me. Hey, that’s so romantic! It reminds me of that movie where boy meets girl and then they walk the whole time through the city and fall in love.

“I am a Baptist. What are you?”

“I am not religious. I am going to a NLP meetup to rewrite my past.”

“Complete waste of time. You need to listen to God.”

“Ok. But I still want to go there.”

As we were walking through the streets he really started to get serious about this accidental “date” and used every chance to show me more of his professional side.

“Look, the city hall building, I used to work there.”

“Really?! Impressive, What did you do?”

“Yes, I used to move a chair from one room to another the whole day”

“Oh, look there is the Côte d’Or office. I used to work for them, too. But there wasn’t too much work to be done. So we were mostly sleeping the whole day in the chocolate ovens. Me and a few other folks.”

“I see..”

“Do you want to come to my place? I have a chihuahua and a Goldfish.”

“No, I would rather rewrite my past. Look, we are here.”

Date Number 3: A Mythological Threesome

My nickname was Persephone and his nickname was Hades. A match made in Hell, literally :))

He asked me out. I accepted. I put on my emo outfit and showed up for yet another date in the same Bucharest cafe where the barman was welcoming me every time with an accomplice smile, surely thinking by now that I was a seasoned hooker.

Hades was there. But he was not alone! He had brought along another guy. A chaperone? Since when is Hades walking around with a chaperone whose name is Adonis?!

I was officially in the middle of a mythological threesome date without ever having planned to do so. Ok, now what? Hercule will enter the cafe selling roses and playing a serenade?

“Hi! Nice to meet you!”

“Hi! I hope you don’t mind, I brought a friend. We usually spend most of the time together and go everywhere together.”

“Ok..”

As a truck dealer, Adonis was the most talkative. I had most of the conversation with him. Hades was only nodding or just smiling sometimes. Adonis started to tell me about themselves.

“We were on a date once with a miss, she was an English teacher, quite sensitive and shy. At the end me and Adonis kissed in front of her and she was kind of shocked. She didn’t take it so well. I wonder why? It’s just, Hades has such nice lips, I couldn’t help but kiss them.”

“Yes, it’s understandable”

30 min later, i was out of there, feeling a mix of self-amusement and shock.

The following day I received a text from Hades:

“Hi, it was great to meet you yesterday. Do you want to join the two of us for another drink this evening?”

“Sorry, Hades, you are a bit too crazy for me.Good luck!”

“C’mon, come and bring a girlfriend along. Or if you think you are good enough you can also come alone.”