Bruno

Let me ask you, when was the last time you competed with someone? But I mean you REALLY competed, as in “life and death competition”, along the lines of Eminem “if you had just one chance, one opportunity..” 

And please don’t give me that “I am only competing with myself” bullshit. I can smell bulshit from afar and this one is so flamboyant and stinks so bad that even a coprophagous would hesitate before taking the first bite, like a diabetic in front of a chocolate cake. No, don’t get distracted by the metaphors! Let’s stay focused. What was I saying?! Ah, yes, BULLSHIT! Don’t you bullshit me, ok? I know it’s bullshit, you know it’s bullshit, we know it’s bullshit. So please stop bullshitting yourself and the rest of us with this bullshittiesque “I am only competing with myself”. No, you are not! So be honest! Who are you competing with? 

That tiny asshole from kindergarten who pushed you and made you choke with your Chupa Chups? Your neighbour from the 5th floor who has a unique collection of screws and corkscrews? Or just with good old Spiderman? Be honest! Tell the truth!

I’m gonna tell you who I’m competing with right now in a “life and death” manner.

This guy:

This four legged fellow, who’s CV reads as follows:

Qualifications: barking, sniffing and tail wagging. 

Expertise in: “ I will cuddle you ‘till you faint!” methodology. 

His name is Bruno! 

With just one single tail wag, Bruno has wiped out over three decades of maternal love and caused me to drop to number 2 in ranking, in my mother’s heart. My mum is finally realizing Bruno is what she has been searching for her entire life without even knowing. 

“How are you, mum?”

“Listen, let me tell you about Bruno, he is amazing, I love him so much!”

“What have you been doing this week?”

“He is following me everywhere and he is cuddling me all the time, it’s just a bliss to have him around.”

“What did you cook today?”

“Sorry, dear, I have to hang up now, Bruno gets so jealous when I’m talking to someone on the phone. He just can’t stand it. He needs my full attention. Take care, dear! Bye!”

My mum is finally experiencing unconditional love. And the good news is: no need to waste money on diapers and pacifiers.