Crackatoable

I went to a standup comedy show the other evening. And  I paid 0 money for the ticket.

So let me get this right: there is a professional standup comedian spending 1 hour of his time on a stage and he is charging 0 lev.. What could possibly be going on here? Hm..Let’s see: maybe he sucks or he just sucks or he really sucks?

While trying to nail down the right answer to this riddle, I imagined the guy coming on the stage and saying:

“Good evening, folks! So how much did you pay for the ticket this evening? 0 money, right? Ok, I promise I’ll do my best to make sure the quality of the show will reflect the price. This is obviously going to be a DIY comedy show. It goes like this:

Step1:  Raise your left arm high up in the air.

Step 2: Bring your right hand under your arm. 

Step 3: Tickle yourself!

Thanks, I’m done here! You’ve been great!”

However, I dare to argue that for empty shell shows like these, it works much better when you charge people a fortune. Like Tony Robbins does for his seminars.

I remember there was a girl who sold her entire furniture to attend one of his life changing events. 

She sold all her furniture to buy one ticket! 

Definitely life changing, when you have to sleep on the fucking floor afterwards! 

But when someone does that and the event sucks, what do you think they’ll say if you ask them “How was it?” They’ll say it was FANTASTIC! I sold my whole fucking furniture! Of course it was good!”

The human brain will never admit it. It’s too painful.

That’s the way to go with shitty shows. You get people to sell their stuff to come and see you. You’ll have raving fans!! 

So this comedian guy should have gone for the: 

“Wanna see me, the ticket price is all the money you got after selling your furniture (Bring the invoice as proof).” 

Or simply bring a piece of furniture, we’ll sell it for you and keep the money. Wanna get in: bring an ottoman! Everyone brings an ottoman! If I don’t see you carrying an ottoman on your shoulders, there’s no way you can get in! Capish?”

 

While I was sitting in there on my own ottoman, I realized my face was straight. In fact, it felt like I hadn’t had such a straight face since my last Botox overdose. 

But I’m at a comedy show!! I need to do something about it. 

What did that psychiatrist Tracey say yesterday? She said, it’s important to practice the half-smile. Especially at a comedy show. You take conscious control of your lip corners and you drag them up. It’s a drag and drop. You’ve done this before. You can do it!

If it still doesn’t work then you need to use a pen. Take a pen and place it between your teeth (No, it’s not like a blow job. In this case you don’t bite.)

So I looked at the guy next to me and said:

“Hey, Sam, do you have a pen?” finally laughing for the first time that evening. 

“Girl, why are you laughing? Where do you think you are, at a comedy show?”

The performance ended. The guy on the stage was fully covered in rotten tomatoes offered by the public in adulation (because unfortunately they couldn’t find a Mexican tie as a gift). 

And since I had managed to lift my mood in such a scientific way, I was ready to have a proper scientific conversation with someone. I went up to a guy at the bar and said hi. Tall, blue eyes, he looked like the latest upgrade to prehensile GPT5.  He goes:

“What do you do for a job?”

“Do you know Onlyfans?”

“Yeaaah!”, his stereoscopic eyes flashed out in delight. 

“Ha, ha, kidding! But now please tell me, how well do you know Onlyfans? We can talk, we’re friends now.”

 

And yes, the DJ was the only cute guy in the bar. But he didn’t save my life on that night. 

 

And just when I was preparing to leave the place without saying bye bye, I dropped my phone on the floor and its screen broke. So on one single evening I managed to crack myself and my phone’s screen. Next thing, I’ll apply for a job as a nuts cracker.. Oh, I meant nutcracker.