Crash, boom and no bang

I’ve only crashed 2 parties in my life:

 

1. A company Christmas party in Bucharest where I sneaked in dressed up slutty for a revengeful closure with a sort of ex: now you can watch but you can’t touch, baby! But the guy was so drunk he could barely see anything. So I had to reframe my purpose for the night and settle for a socio-political gesture of revenge against the big corporations: I clinked glasses with the CEO saying CIN-CIN with a big grin. 

 

1. A festive lunch of a Japanese circus company on a tour in Berlin. For some reason I was convinced I could blend in. I channeled my inner Kramer for 45 min and had an exquisite algae lunch while staring at my neighbor – a middle-aged Japanese guy in a suit – trying to picture his circus trappings as either an aerialist, equestrian artist or an Indian elephant (still pondering about it to this very day). At some point the Chef came to me and said: “m’am, this is a festive lunch for the Japanese circus team..” “Yeah, and? I am hungry and bored. What do you want?”

 

Anyway, fast forward to my present life, a lot has changed. 

 

I resolved many internal conflicts and external pimples. And now I just feel like Kramer wearing a slutty dress on a daily basis. Half classy, half trashy. So totally crashy!

 

And it is with this newly found identity that I decided to crash the gate of a very trashy event: the Nomad Fest. Bansko 2024. 

 

Did I say gate? What gate? There was none. No door to knock on. No gatekeeper to charm. Just a total freedom to feel like a renegade hanging out between a few tents.. That moment when you think you are in and in fact you are out..

 

I had barely stepped on the Nomad ground when I was approached by Orpheus (Not his name but let’s call him that.) 

 

An important asset in the Banskonian menagerie, Orpheus and I crossed paths quite a lot in the past year. This time he shook my hand and started shilling magic shrooms right off the bat. In a very scientific way:

 

 “If you weigh 45 kilos, then you need 6.3 grams, that would be 10.44 lev. They will increase your awareness, I spent 8 hours in the woods last night highly aware. I could not have done it without the shrooms.” 

“Dude, I don’t want to spend 8 hours in the fucking woods”

“Trust me, you want that. Look at me, I am walking barefoot, I am a new man. Wanna have an egg?” He took out one pack of 10 hard boiled eggs. The egg white had turned yellow. 

“C’mon, Orphy, I will think about it, thanks! Look, there is a workshop about biohacking, let’s go there!”

 

(Note to self: This pro-psychedelic chitchat didn’t actually help me snap out of my internal symphony. While Orpheus was peeling eggs next to me, it was difficult to look around without feeling like a rave party casualty.)

 

Samatha was the one rowing on the biohacking river of knowledge. (Not her name, but you know the drill). She was talking about healthy habits and supplements with the self assurance of an astronaut freshly back from the first moon landing, sharing unique insights into the unknown. (Ubi sunt leones, chihuahuas and blobfish. Diarrhea bad there. Eat rice, stay solid.)  

 

And I was thinking: really?! I wouldn’t find the entitlement to take up people’s time like this even if I had come back from the first landing on the sun and had survived the burning thanks to a very good sunscreen. I still wouldn’t find the story noteworthy. 

 

She on the other hand is talking about tracking 10 healthy habits every month and gulping some Ashwagandha in the process..And all this while flashing two unshaven armpits..This is how religions start. “You’re my hero! I want to be like you, m’am! I will never shave my armpits ever again!”

 

The public was quite mixed. Probably about 15 people. 

 

A woman with obvious fillers and botox and not such obvious brains. A bored guy with an obvious hormonal pressure animating him. He locked eyes with me a few times, then he saw Orpheus eating eggs next to me and assumed it’s the “boyfriend”. Orphy was already at the 5th egg, radiating an unwavering detoxing masculinity. In front of me, it was a back. A very elongated back that presumably was ending up with a head which I couldn’t see. A very serious talking back. You could hear his streamy input but you could not see nor guess his face. 

 

Then, on the left side, there was a profile. It looked like a guy but then he didn’t turn his head to look at me once, so I assumed he’s just gay. “Wtf, I came here to biohack my ego by showering it with male attention and all I get is no head backs, frozen profiles and egg eaters. Imagine paying money for this! That would finally be noteworthy workshop material. 

 

Samantha ended her presentation under a rain of applause. 

 

Most people left but the frozen profile and elongated back stayed for more questions and insights and more. I wanted to leave. However, I still felt the icky itch of double checking my gay theory about that profiled guy..I went next to him, standing in an angle that also put a face on that talking backbone I had been inadvertently staring at the whole time. 

 

I never felt so invisible in my life!! I literally stayed 5 min in that spot without saying anything. None of the guys looked at me. 0 attention, 0!  Shit, this is annoying :)) 

 

They were both looking mesmerized at Samatha! (Pardon my redundancy, but I will never shave my armpits again!) 

 

So I had to spend my verbal energy and asked a loud question in the group:

 

“What supplements do you guys take?”

 

The frozen profile lit up in excitement and became an enlightened face. When we locked eyes I felt struck by lightning: “Jesus, this is that rejuvenation marathonist, Bryan!” It was Bryan in the flesh and bones and Aura ring. But still gay. He looked at me like I was a hermaphrodite caterpillar that could never possibly help him in any way. (At least now I know I don’t look like a man!) 

 

Ok, checked!

 

Next! The talking back was now displaying a face with a very severely and intellectually frowned forehead. The discussion topic was even more in-depth biohacking. You could almost cut that self-absorption with a knife. Because there was no chance of extracting it with a tire-bouchon to free up his soul. He never once glanced at me. Not even once! This was getting on my nerves big time. I went and sat next to him. No reaction. I was literally a sitting blind spot. Incredible!

 

I laughed! Finally I loosened up and got out of my head. I didn’t care anymore. This is a cartoon!! Fucking matrix, it fools me over and over again. 

 

And then Bryan goes: 

“Samatha, I wanted to ask you something. What do you think about sex? I mean, we always talk about all these biohacking techniques, nutrition, working out etc, but nobody talks about the most important one: having sex! Why go to the gym when you can just fuck for 45 minutes? I think it’s so hypocritical to not put this as the number 1 health hack!” 

 

All of a sudden, everybody was paying attention. He went on: I once attended an erotic workshop and it was so interesting. A unique structure. There were some people who were called the strokers and some other people were called the strokees. The strokers would just stroke the clits up and down. Very interesting.

 

I had to chime in: 

 

“You know, you don’t have to hire manual labor for that. You can automate the process. With a Satisfyer Pro device. 

 

And that was the moment when I stopped being a blind spot for my neighbor. The elongated back finally looked at me. 

 

I smiled at him: “I have the Satisfyer Pro. Although I have to say it’s very unsatisfactory. On the other hand I have an electric lint remover. It is very satisfactory. Of course I use them for different purposes. But I am just talking about rating satisfaction now, you understand. Actually I am planning to make a short video to rate them both. 

 

His blue eyes lit up and his mouth opened a little: “Yes, you should do that! Great idea! So tell me more”

 

“This was just a teaser. For more info, check out my OF page. By guys, it was a pleasure.”