Vegan Vaping

“Mister Jacques Jaquerre, you have recently made a public allegation about life and everybody was intrigued. What exactly did you mean? Let me quote your exact words: You can’t always get what you want in life, but sometimes, if you try, you get what you need.”

“Oh, dear, did I say that? Oopsie..! Since I came to Berlin, I go to this meetup every week. It’s for vegans. I am vegan myself. So me and my vegans we are regularly having  a sort of cheat day: we meet just to smell some meat. And breathe. We don’t eat it, we breathe it. The event is called Meat and Breathe. 

What we do is, we stack a few kilos of meat on a spike, we make this huge tower. At the bottom, you have pork meat, then going up, you add chicken, beef, goat, lamb, duck, turkey, rabbit, lobster, ostrich, deer, kangaroo and a few stripes of crocodile. At the very top we add a lady Gaga’s hat as decoration.

Then the roasting begins, slowly but surely..while we all stand in a circle around the spike, we hold our hands and just inhale and exhale the smoke and odor of cooking meat. That’s all we do. It’s vegan vaping, basically. We don’t even touch the meat.

And every time I do this, about a few minutes into the Meat and Breathe ritual, I get so high… I start writing down stuff. And then I tweet them. Next thing I remember, in the morning the local press is at my doorstep asking me: What did you meat? Pardon, what did you mean, I mean?  Oh, good Lard, I have no clue.. Because I have no recollection of me writing that. But of course when I reach into my pocket and find a pork’s rib scribbled with a pheasant feather pen, I suddenly remember what happened.. “