Puttin’ Some Order In My Anxiety Disorder

On my last attempt to fix myself I knocked at the door of the World’s Second Oldest Profession after prostitution: psychotherapy. 

Here’s how it works: you pay 50 bucks for a procedure called: insanity now, serenity later. 

I get it: that’s the little pact with Beelzebub you need to sign using your middlefinger print. 

And I was ready for that, I was ready to binge this porridge. But when I turned on my camera on Skype, it was as if my therapist put the bowl full of porridge on my head to watch its content drip around my face. Because she looked like a fainted bat: her face was hanging upright in a smiley rictus of serenity now, insanity later. 

Please don’t confuse my mirror neurons! Don’t flic flac the insanity script on me! Let’s have some discipline, okay?

Okay!

So she fumbled through her methodshat and took out a three-eared rabbit: three precise questions used as effective tools in CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – which has successfully borrowed them from its sister discipline: Cock and Ball Torture. 

Here they are: 

1. What does my anxiety want from me?
2. What does my anxiety feed on? 
3. What makes my anxiety go away? 

And here are my answers that made me instantly splash in a serenity puddle:

What does my anxiety want from me?

–  Money!

What does my anxiety feed on? 

–  Money!

What makes my anxiety go away?  

–  Money!